Some days I took a break, and it was okay; I survived. There were some days when I just didn’t think about anything, good or bad. I just wanted to exist for a moment or two to just be quiet with myself and block out the world.
I found that being still and quiet with myself and relaxing in my way, re-energized me. I liked to watch movies, take a bath, be near water, meditate, or read and just be alone. No demands on me. No pressures. Just me.
Maybe my need to be alone goes back to my childhood when I spent so much time in my own company. I do what I want to do without the input from anyone else.
I didn’t want to give up. I had given up on myself too many times before and I deserved better. I was determined to see this work to the end this time; to see me as I want to see myself. I was determined to tell myself that I could do this. I could shed the fear, pain, and every other negative feeling that had been plaguing me for far too long.
I finally understood what it was I experienced when in situations that made me uncomfortable. I just wanted to run away from whatever was happening at the time until either I gathered myself or the situation passed. There were even times I would avoid social settings because I didn’t want to put myself out there. I was fearful of being judged by everyone, including family, so I even avoided some family gatherings.
I thought I knew what all my triggers were. They were specific in nature and most of them revolved around my personal relationship with sex during menopause.
I was stressed to the max on that topic, so any mention of being sexy, looking sexy, or engaging in anything out of the ordinary during sex, I retreated into myself and put-up walls that were higher than the Great Wall of China! I was impenetrable, both literally and figuratively.
I had a few instances where I was caught completely off guard by a triggering situation. My body started to tremble and go into a cold sweat, feeling completely beside myself. I was triggered for reasons unknown that caused my body to switch off and shut down. I couldn’t leave or run away so I became very quiet. I felt this rush of fight or flight happening inside my belly and I began to feel nervous and anxious.
When you react a certain way for a long period of time, it becomes almost second nature, so I have worked very hard at retraining my brain. I’ve learned a lot about fear and where it stems from, so I now understand that most of my triggers come from fear. Fear causes me anxiety and sleeplessness. Fear causes me undue stress. Fear builds my walls and drains my energy.
I have sought out counselling several times over the years, and I have found it to be a big help to unload my shit onto someone who was unbiased. It’s like a weight being lifted off my shoulders to be able to share my burdens with someone who isn’t judging me.
I had reached a point where I was becoming seriously concerned about my mental health, so I decided to be evaluated by a psychiatrist. I wanted to know if there was something medically wrong with me, or if all this craziness was just part of my menopause life.
I have a family history of mental illness, so I wanted to be sure about what was going on in my head. Whether or not it was just menopause related, the psychiatrist diagnosed me with clinical depression and PTSD. What? PTSD! That was something I hadn’t thought about. Depression, yes, but post traumatic stress disorder came as a surprise.
I had to decide where to go from there.
I would have to learn to take all the negative emotions, fears, and anxiety, along with guilt, and turn it into thinking in a positive way about my life, including what I thought of myself. I have felt a lot of guilt, and it is hard to let go of it. There are just some things that, no matter how hard you try, stay with you, even if in a small way.
The setbacks I experienced due to my triggers began to allow me to self-reflect and adjust my thought process. In that respect, they have been a learning tool for my path forward. They have given me more ammunition to work and grow with, but there are days when it is difficult for me to move forward. I can be hard on myself to just get over it, but setbacks are a part of life. I can be impatient with myself, so I must keep in mind that shit happens, and life goes on.
Circumstances don’t have to be dramatic and life changing. I don’t have to wallow in self pity. Instead, I can feel the feels (that’s important) and then move on. I’m not saying I’m perfect at it. Moving on from some things is still a work in progress, but I feel optimistic that I am moving in the right direction.
If everything happens for a reason, then I should be the f-ing luckiest girl on the planet by now! Some days I can’t comprehend the reason why things happen. Then I hear the little voice in my head reminding me that I am creating whatever is happening with me myself. Sometimes I must go through the bad to get to the good, then keep going to make the good great.
So, the setbacks I experienced have been an opportunity to think better thoughts and let go of the past. Be a better human. Be clear about what I want and set a plan in motion to make it all happen.
They give me the chance to take a moment to breathe and reflect on the situation at hand; the chance to think in that moment of my next action. They provide a gateway to keep working and moving forward. To keep progressing. To continue to retrain my brain to handle anything that comes my way.
I would have never thought I would be grateful for the challenging times I’ve experienced, but I have come to know that great growth comes through the darkest of times.
